Pfunksfoolosophy

Today is my nephew/son Tristan’s birthday.
It’s a bittersweet day because he’s currently in jail. He fell in with a stupid crowd of miscreants
and he’s the one to take the fall.
He’s such a sweet, funny, intelligent young man. He’s creative and he’s energetic, but to be
perfectly frank, he’s depressed.
His mom died when he was 2 and he’s just now gotten to know his father and is father’s side
of the family. Adding to this is the fact that I am the only mother he’s known and I moved to
California when he was around 10 or 11.
Stupidly, I thought that I had created a strong enough foundation and set up a great support system for him so that when I moved, he wouldn’t fall by the wayside.
I was wrong. My mother is the grandmother. She didn’t step up simply because she’s relied on
me for so long that I think a part of her felt that I could magically nurture him from 3,000
miles away.
I did the best that I could. My brother, selfish prick that he is, only added to the tension
and confusion. Instead of being a positive role model, my brother often came home drunk and verbally abusive.
He berated when he could have nurtured.
A huge part of me feels heartsick that I didn’t have the energy to remain home until
both kids were older.
I was exhausted. Being an instant mom at 21 was difficult, but when you’re young you don’t think; you just dive right in. I did the best that I could with the tools that I had and now
my lovely young man is in jail.
He’s alone on his birthday. Well, he’s not alone. He’s with criminals who never had the homelife
that he had.
He can’t reminisce about game night or our many mystery rides.
My baby is locked up and sad.
He’s fighting for his life with Corrections Officers who see him as just another nigger who
got what he deserved and they’re likely treating him horribly, speaking to him as if he
wasn’t human.
Tristan isn’t some innocent babe in the woods, he was caught with marijuana. A joint’s worth.
He was targeted because of the company he kept.
He was hardheaded and didn’t listen when I urged him to cultivate a better class of
associates and now he’s paying the price.
It doesn’t hurt any less.

Happy birthday, T-man. Keep working to make the future I know you can create.
A future that is positive and productive.
The future your mother wanted for you and the future that I see for you.

Lately, I’ve been trying to get my ‘ducks in a row’ as it were and I’ve come to the realization
that I should just stick to my original game plan which is to just wing it. Life is life, you know?
We’re not in control of much and I realize this.
So, with that said…
I went to work yesterday, PLANNING to be out of there by 11:30 at the latest and home by
12:30 AT THE LATEST.
Well, due to the fact that theater people have no concept of time I was home at 2 AM.
Yep, at morning.
I was not charmed.
One of the owners was there. He was not charmed either, but what can you do?
So, I was out of there later than expected and then the joy of the subway system in NYC…
“Hey, I’ll take the ‘C’ train…it’s closer to work and I won’t have to walk to seventh for the 2″
Well, the ‘C’ train was running…sort of…it was planes, trains and rickshaw for yours truly.
By the time I got home, I was too exhausted to blog and too frustrated to even snack.
That is completely unlike me.
I always want a snack.

On the positive side, I met a couple who were friendly, funny and worked in the theater.
Possible clients. Also, I made a killer salad for my at work dinner.
Marinated tomatoes, red onions and cukes in wine vinegar and olive oil, hard boiled a couple of eggs and then added some herb and garlic feta to an Italian salad mix.
So, eating made me very, very happy.
Across the street from my job is a lovely Chinese bakery.
They have sesame balls. I love sesame balls. Okay, they’re not piping hot, which is the preferred
method of enjoying them, but they’re sixty cents.
I love a bargain. The folks at the bakery love me already. I’m a repeat customer.
They’ve even started telling me when they’re going to make my favorite items so I can get them fresh.
I love that.
SO, maybe it wasn’t a total loss and maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself because
I want to have a sense of entitlement.
Eh, you know…I find my joy every day. I can’t complain for long.
Life is good.
Remember when I was complaining because I didn’t have a job?
Yeah, I do. It’s pretty cool when I can give myself a wake up call.
I’m over it. This started out as a rant, but I’m thankful and I’m grateful and I’m blessed.
My friend David had a birthday yesterday and I got my call in to him before it was too late.
He phoned me back, so we shared the laughter and the love.
Who can complain when there’s so much love to share?

Okay, another semi-crisis has been successfully avoided and I am now able to walk through
this life in a state of gratitude.
Hope it lasts a loooong time.