Pfunksfoolosophy

Well, my nephew is no longer on the ‘do right ranch’ and he sounds great. He’s asking us to be patient with him as he makes his choices. He said this on the phone while he was playing video games with a kid who got him in trouble in the first place. I hold my breath every time I hear that he’s had any contact with this kid. The thing is, the kid’s mom and I used to chat. It seemed like we had the same values. I didn’t know that she and her ‘husband’ were pot smokers of the ‘cheech and chong’ variety. Well, maybe not that bad, but they did smoke and to me, that’s just plain irresponsible. When my kid took the fall for her kid, she did nothing. When I called her on it, she waffled. Too bad. Hmm, MY kid made a stupid choice. These two have been friends since kindergarten or first grade. It’s been so long that I can’t remember. His mother is clearly enabling him. She points a finger at my kid, but hers is just an undercover thug who hides behind her skirt when he finds himself in trouble. I’m uneasy that my ’son’ is at their home right now.

I’m nervous that he’s going to fall for his friend’s bullshit. The main challenge here is in me trusting in G-d’s ability to touch lives. I live on faith. It’s sort of second nature, but right now, in this moment, I am overwhelmed. It’s wonderful to know that I can call my kid whenever I wish and that he can get in touch with me and we can laugh or just ‘be’…but there’s that little ‘thing’ nagging at me. I’ve just got to trust that my kid will know enough to move away from that environment. Trust that he’s going to follow through with his plans. He wants to get a job and has an interview tomorrow. He wants to move forward and to achieve his goals. He sounds positive. He KNOWS he’s loved.

Stop holding your breath, Pfunk. Breathe.

I will take my own advice today. Like it says in the song, ‘this is no social crisis, just another tricky day for you’ and the ice he’s skating on is getting thinner, but I’ve got faith that he’ll make it to the shore.

Lately, I have been working on understanding why people seem to feel the need to dump their attitudes, their emotional,intellectual and spiritual weaknesses on my doorstep.

I am very direct and fairly precise in my language. I do not go out of my way to hurt anyone. There is no need for  me to create any drama or animosity. Still, I am bombarded once I arrive at certain destinations. Unfortunately, I can’t avoid at least one of them because it’s my place of employment. Is it worth it for me to work with narcissists?
Not sure. How do I benefit? That is unclear as well.

My boundaries are crossed every time I set foot in there. I am not respected. I suppose I will have to find a way to explain to my co-workers that I don’t subscribe to their ‘I can’t leave my attitude at the door’ work ethic. I understand that it’s hard for others to live their lives this way. How can they be expected to alter their behavior? It’s a lifetime of embracing their victimhood.  Only children can be victims. That’s the long and the short of it.

I’m really on the verge of moving on. It’s not worth it for me to endure the craziness. I am willing to accept my part in this. Since I don’t react the way I am expected to, they perceive me as threatening. Logically speaking, it makes sense. We feel threatened by that which we don’t understand. That’s my part.

But–I’m sick of it. I don’t need this job. I need A job. Big difference.

Sure, working in a rehearsal studio is a great gig. An easy gig. BUT, it’s the people. The insecurity, the drama. I’m too old for this crap. NO joke.

Wow, can you believe this rant? There’s so much more on my heart but it’s not going to serve anyone.

What is our part when we are in ugly situations? Do we create the drama by associating with people who thrive on it? What if we can’t avoid these people? Well, part of me feels like since I’m not the target or the cause of their dysfunction I have no part in it, but the other part of me feels as if I must at least attempt to clarify my position in whatever situation arises.

This is the fundamental challenge. I’m still working on it. Ego plays an awfully big part in this. The  older I get, the less interested I am in placing any importance on ego. Still, old habits die hard. My co-worker walked in with an attitude. I was aware of it. It wasn’t my problem. It became my problem. What do I own in this? He may have expected me to ask him what was wrong. Frankly, I didn’t care what was wrong. You leave your attitude at the door or you don’t come to work.

Come to find out, due to his disappointment with how things worked out during his day, I was the recipient of an attitude that was less than cordial. Again, not mine to own.

Here’s what I DO own: being responsible for MY feelings and speaking  my truth. I could have said, ‘I didn’t cause you to be tired or disappointed, so try not to make me your target’, but I didn’t. I fed into his bullshit. I own my inability to remove ego from it. SO, I am culpable. I am responsible for my feelings. I chose to get heated. That choice nutted me up for the rest of the night.

That steams me. These people are NOT important in my life. Not in the least. I don’t think  about them if I don’t have to, yet here I am blogging about them.

Maybe if the one fella would work his steps and take an  inventory, he’d realize that an apology is in order. That’s highly unlikely. People generally don’t make amends when it’s time…I know I don’t like to apologize, but I do. Sucks, huh?
Hey, I’m not a victim. I’m the recipient of someone’s misplaced anger.  To be frank with you, while I wanted to tell him to go fornicate himself, I felt  sorry for him. Personal growth isn’t nearly as important to him as it is to me and that’s groovy…but I can tell ya this much, next time I probably will remember that I didn’t act in accordance to my belief system.

Poor kid. Hope he makes it home okay.